Pond trickle floating lotus

Day Forty-four

pond trickle floating lotus
yellow blossom ...

 Over the years I've spent tens of thousands of dollars on therapy. Some of the therapists have been doozies. There was the one who fell asleep while I was talking. And another, at my very first disclosure of  sexual abuse,  wondered who abused my perpetrator. All I could think was "WHAT ABOUT ME"?

opening to full, eyes
moving slipping deep...

It was not long after that when I abandoned therapy for a good while. I was tired of paying my hard-earned money for uncaring and unprofessional help. I don't think I had unreasonable expectations, really. For the next 6-7 years I got my help from peers in self-help groups.

underwater murky
to the roots...

Then, after being fired from a job, I carefully selected a new therapist. She started out with a treatment plan that had an actual end. Have you ever heard of such a thing? After about three months of bi-weekly sessions she asked me if I'd like to try EMDR. I'd read a little bit about it and it sounded like hokey-pokey, but I had grown to trust this therapist and was willing to try anything - even shock therapy - if it would take away the depression. I agreed to try it the following session 2 weeks later.

umbilical connection
to warm and steamy red...

When I arrived that afternoon, it was either spring or fall, she suggested we sit outside in the courtyard near her little pond. With her notes from our previous sessions in hand, she asked a series of probing questions while doing whatever it was with my eyes.

bubbling chirping machine made 
drone. singing bones...

In a single instant I found my own worthiness. How that happened, I honestly do not know.

angular and curving
holding precious treasure
flying buttress strong

From the psychiatrist who ganged up on me with my partner at the time to the one who laughed at my dream, thanks for nothing. To this kind-hearted and well-trained therapist, thanks for saving my life. The enlarged words interspersed here were written later that day to explain my experience.

Intentions check-in: Dailies are still daily. Other than my misgivings about not finding a good way to organize my life (yet) I'm content with my progress here. Only more more post in this series.